I look at you and all I see is a stranger I’ve never known.
I hope you’ve thrown out the big red box from many years ago so you’ll no longer remember. I hope you’ve forgotten our cold stale nights and the sounds of our hearts breaking.
I hope you don’t smell my scent or feel the warmth of my hands when you pull on my sweater or my face when I tried to surprise you but failed. I hope you forget my nonchalance and the way I always wanted to be right. Please forget my expression when I’m mad and forget my smile when we were side by side.
When you pull out your drawer and you see my letters, I hope you read them one last time and proceed to burning the lot. When the shirt you pull out from your closet is something I gave, I hope you don’t remember the giver and how she got it for you on your birthday. When you walk by the place where I used to always drag you to eat, walk in and buy so they won’t go out of business. But don’t, please don’t remember me. I hope blue watches, long unruly hair and white faces never remind you of me. I wish that you’ve forgotten how it hurt or how damaged we were.
But what I want you to remember is my reminders about cigarettes and my concern for your health. Even when I can no longer be there to support you or to eat with you after a game, bring extra clothes so you wont get sick. Bring water always if you don’t have anyone to give it to you after all the activities. Always bring a hoodie because class rooms can get unexpectedly cold, you know that. NEVER forget your umbrella. You don’t need a fever. I know you keep your eyes straight but it doesn’t hurt to look around once in a while. Observe and appreciate what you see. Before you fight for your point, be sure it not only makes sense but that it’s right. When you feel threatened, reduce the war-freak tendencies. Be rational and take a breath. It’ll pass, it’ll pass. And lastly, when you smile, smile like you mean it.
I have no way to know for sure and it’s not like you’re going to admit it either way but I hope you don’t miss me anymore and when you love, I hope you give it all. I hope you don’t redo the mistakes of the past and I hope you’ve grown up. I hope you meet the one and I hope you be happy.
I’ve outgrown you and much as I wish to save a spot for you in my life, you don’t belong here anymore. There may be days we both dream of crawling back to the innocence of the young, sweet love we thought was going to last forever. But we’ve been through a lot and we know better than to wish for the impossible.
Because I have forgotten the feelings and although I still remember, it no longer mean anything. I’ve forgotten, I’ve forgotten how you feel and the way you sound. Your face has faded and your scowl has vanished. I can no longer remember all our lasts and the way you held me tight. I’ve forgotten, I’ve forgotten.
I look at you and all I see is a stranger I’ve never known. Someone who exists in the background, with a life of his own, separate from me and someone I do not know at all. And even when I don’t wish for it to turn out like this, I’ve forgotten. I’ve forgotten.
And if you read through the end, here’s a secret. This post has two parts and this is the last part. I posted it on tumblr: http://annewrights.tumblr.com/post/102101383055/the-last-first-of-two