You are not your darkest nights when you decide to sleep through all the pain and heartache.
We’ve all been through life’s ups and downs, some more than the others. Often we find our way out of the seemingly gaping hole in our hearts that’s threatening to consume us whole but there are moments when we revert back to where we used to be just because the present or the future seems all so wrong and scary. We refuse to acknowledge that familiarity doesn’t exactly breed a positive sense of consistency and so we prevent ourselves from moving forward, getting stronger and growing bigger.
With the wind howling in your ears, the heat of the sun piercing your skin or the rain soaking your clothes, you were running way too fast when you tripped and scraped your knee. Nothing went according to plan and the seemingly bad day only evolved from worse to worst ever. The initial pain may have made you yelp. The persistent throbbing may have made you very uncomfortable. And to your senses, there was no other thing but the mere presence of the pain swallowing you whole.
There were moments when you had no single clue about what was going on as if you were just going where the tide will lead you. Maybe you were at loss for words and sometimes void of purpose, motivation and inspiration. It was as if you’ve made it through the storm and this is the stage where everything in sight is only a reminder of the wreck it has caused. Ruins, as they say. Everything’s better now but sometimes you still cant help but wonder what if you stayed in that stinking old situation. You know it wouldn’t have gotten any better but you wish it did. There’s a part in you still wishing for it to have worked out.
Whether be it physical damage on the skin, a figuratively damaged heart or a permanently scarred existence, there comes a point in our lives when we finally decide it’s time to stand up. It’s never the same for everyone though. Some choose to get on their feet seconds after the fall, some take time to lie down and admire the view while some are waiting for heroes to sweep them from their misery.
The paths we took then are those that we deemed best the moment we chose them. And up until today, you mighty wish for things to have gone your way. When you picked yourself up, it wasn’t an ultimately bright and sunny day. Life was nowhere near paradise and if possible, bearing a slight resemblance to what people refer to as hell. They promised it will get better but the stars aren’t shining any brighter and the cold nights are prickling sharp and hurting. The mornings are still not refreshing and the bags under your eyes have taken on a new kind of purple.
The first step is the scariest because you’re stuck between the familiar and the hurtful and the rip-roaring and hopefully spectacular. The middle ground holds all the decision-making: being at the brink of taking change in your hands, it’s still easy to go back when you chicken out. But still, you take one step after the other on repeat. It will seem like routine has become your lifeline. You may feel demoralized or belittled at first and although you may never realize how long it’s supposed to take, there is no one way it’s to be done supposedly. You can take your time. All the time you need, in fact. Everything awful will pass just as much as what you’re feeling will fade. Give it time. Eventually, you will move on. You will forget.
It’s a process. That’s the reason they ask you to trust the system. Some days you’re going to wake up feeling brand new and you can almost instantly decide that you don’t want to feel like shit anymore. It’s not magic nor is it impossible. Anyone can testify that the feelings you hold will only stay there as long as you harbor them. So allow yourself to think about the heartache, there’s nothing wrong in that. But there is something wrong in getting yourself devoured by it. There’s something wrong in choosing not to move where you’re stuck in.
You may not notice it every time but there are moments when you choose the rough road just because the alternative is a tad bit too vague and foreign. That’s why there will be entire days when you will feel overwhelmingly normal: a total deviation from the life of struggle and ruins you’ve been forced to live for some time. It’s going to be a little disorienting the first few days. But once you keep your eyes open for the silver lining, there will be moments when you will truly be okay. And normal will become your normal when you’ve forgotten that although drama may be a part of life, it’s neither a norm nor is it a necessity.
So be thankful for all the battles you needed to face. They came at the most appropriate times, mostly when you least expected them. Question nothing because they were sent to show you another layer of yourself with the purpose of shaking up your world, tearing your soul apart, biting at your ego, unveiling your addictions and unmasking your inner being while guiding you through your obstacles. It will break and smash your heart to pieces so new light can get in and make you so desperate you’re going to have to transform yourself.
There may still be fleeting instances when you will feel like you’re still not okay, and sometimes, you’ll feel like you’re still struggling. Worry not. The little voice of discouragement inside your head that’s tearing you down will eventually get smaller and smaller. It will get tired of shouting itself hoarse and of not getting even the minimum level of attention it needs to survive. So don’t be afraid to be okay.
We are not our darkest nights when we decide to sleep through all the pain and heartache. We are the mornings after when we decide to turn off that alarm clock, get up, dress up and show up. We are not our drunk selves sleeping on the floor or throwing up by the club’s restroom. We are the morning headaches or the afternoon recovery process when we feel unbroken and we are able to dance to the music. We are our sober nights spent accomplishing an important task, when we are too quiet and focused we can hear the crickets sing. We are the formal parties with subtle background music when we dress up to make up for our lack of emotions. We are the rare moments when we choose to be who we are; when we sing at the top of our lungs or dance our heart out to the silliest songs. We are our chill days spent laughing with our best friends. We are the instances we choose to let our guard down, when we allow ourselves to be our potential. We are when we strive no matter how badly we’ve been broken. We are when we listen to our own voice rather than fear. We are who we become when we decide it’s time to stand up, brush up, and take the next big thing head on.
So this is for you the person with tear-stained cheeks, to the people who gets back up no matter how many times they have fallen down. To the girls and boys with bruised hearts but are managing to breathe and to the unsure who has nowhere else to go.
Don’t look for the right answers. Right and wrong answers coexist side by side in every decision. At most times, both the negative and positive make up every possible choice. The only difference is that the wise people make a choice and make it the right answer while foolish people regret the decision and make it the wrong one. So know this: there is no right answer in this life time. There is only the process of making it the right answer. Have no doubt and back yourself up.
To you, the weary who is thinking of giving up the fight, who gives more than he can receive, who loves more despite of being the disadvantaged, and to you, the sad who still smiles despite the sorrow. You make earth a living planet, you make the body a human. You make today a better world and just know that even when you’re finding it hard now, the purpose is out there somewhere. Be on the look out for it. Worry of what to do when you get there.
When you finally find it and you decide to look back to the past, never forget how far you’ve come and how farther you still have to go. Never go back to yesterday just because tomorrow’s so cold and foreign. Brace yourself for the sea of life because only you can manage to thread through it. Keep in mind that now that you’re all better, you’re on your way to becoming the best and you will never look back. Not even once because finally, you’ve found again how it is to be capable and strong. You loving it means you owning it. You made it. You are capable and strong. You took life in your own hands and you are happy.