Why I Refuse To Get Back Together With You

For someone who has been let down after every chance she gave, I should really know better than to expect anything from the person who has never failed to prove me wrong every time. So this is me knowing better. This is me knowing what I deserve and settling for nothing less. This is me withholding myself from running back to the past just because I lack the patience to wait for the right one. This is me seeing beyond your petty acts, your shallow words and your insincere promises. This is me being strong.

You shouldn’t have given me a chance to think things over. You shouldn’t have allowed me time to breathe. You should’ve realized that the moment you let me leave, I’d keep walking and making me look back would be like pushing a door that’s supposed to be pulled.

If you stopped me then, I would’ve let you. I would’ve gladly stayed and we could have worked it out together. But you didn’t and we both had to live with the decision i made, that you consented. So almost 4 months after, I still couldn’t believe I’ve made it this far when I thought there was no chance in hell I could ever manage to leave you.

They say that it gets better until you realize that the truth in their words are often nonexistent and that those were uttered only to function as a moment’s comfort. It’s not supposed to be inspiring or touching. It was just the normal protocol people would perform. The bitter reality will teach you that it only gets harder everyday and that it doesn’t get better. But over the days when change and acceptance has caught up with your past routine, you try to live at present in knowledge of the fact that it’s different now. And though you start living your life with your mind constantly occupied by thoughts of the past, you try to keep moving forward just because you believe that there’s no other way but up.

I’ve lived as that girl and I can honestly say that i’m genuinely happy now. The moment when I no longer think of you every waking moment of every day, every passing minute of a boring lecture or every night before i go to bed was when I knew I’m finally better. I’m not bitter, empty, lost or hurting. I’m good, perfectly fine.

I don’t want to try again at this moment just because you asked me to. I left for a good reason and take me for a fool for thinking that losing me would make you open your eyes to the awful reality of the person you have become. Call me silly when I screamed for change and for believing in the good you had to offer when there was really none of that. Because if I do give in, I know that nothing has changed. It will still be the relationship I walked away from and it will be the same old shit I need to put up with. I don’t wanna settle just because I’m too impatient to wait for the right one. You’re not the best there is and you missing me is no excuse to get back together. Missing me is a part of the hard process. You should know by now that you’re gonna need more than telling me that just to get me back. You know what I want. I’m a whole lot more than your I-miss-you’s, your senseless words and your attitude that treats most issues lightly as if it’s nothing when it’s actually everything. The way you look can never make up for all the bad. In my world, sexy is nowhere near impressive. I find smart impressive. A kind character shows you a person who has gone through the worst times and knows just what to be and when to be. That’s attractive. A good heart and an open mind is attractive. I want mature, honest, and true. I’m sick of jerks, disloyal(s) and liars. Don’t act like you still get the privilege to talk to me in the way you did when we were still together. I don’t usually demand for respect because most people are smart enough to automatically give it but I’ll make an exception for you because you’re “special.” (Like a child, yes. jk) Just because I loved you then, doesn’t mean I still do now. Can’t it be that I’ve finally opened my eyes to the reality of abrupt endings and permanent what-if’s, should-have-been’s and could-have-been’s? Because that’s definitely it.

You say “sayang” and I really do wish you regret more. You put up this flawless façade that makes people think you’re hot and strong. You make others think that you’re on the good side and I’m the one suffering from bitterness and loneliness. Hah. From where I’m standing, I just see the real you: no way near attractive in the great scheme of things and too much of a die-hard. Don’t let yourself drown in “patheticity.” I doubt you could swiftly move through it as much as you do in water. Feigning nonchalance never made it hurt any less so quit it. Admitting you’re weak can do you wonders. It feels great to be honest, raw and simple without pretensions once in a while. Acting all macho does not make you cool. It attracts the wrong kind of people. And it can actually make you lose the people you love. If you haven’t noticed, I never liked competition. No, I will not compete for a place because that’s something a person grants you. If that’s one thing you ain’t willing to give, heck I have no time to fight for it. I also don’t have time for BOYS who flirt with everyone yet are still asking for trust.

They tell me maybe in the long future it will work out. They say that maybe when we’ve both grown and have gone through more experiences, maybe then will we be together. But they don’t know you like I do. For so long I’ve feigned nonchalance (yes, i used it again). They say that what you put up with, you end up with. And I didn’t want to end up with your temper, your vices, your being a jerk and the sexual things you post on twitter. I didn’t want to end up with your insensitivity, your ego, your awful earring, your infidelity and your jealousy.  I didn’t want to end up with all of that but I did want to end up with you and I guess not knowing what to do then was the hardest place I have ever found myself in. It tore me apart, kept me up all night and bothered me so much. You told me long ago, before you asked me to get back together with you, that you’re not ready to change and I just knew exactly where to stand. Don’t they say when you realize what you deserve, letting go will be the best decision ever? So this is me, the living witness: it’s too late, baby. Now it’s too late. (It’s Too Late) I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms. (Jar of Hearts) I’m so much better without you. I won’t be sorry. (It’s Alright, It’s Ok)

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