I Don’t Want To Be Crushie Anymore

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Essentially, we will find out that the things people need to be loved for are those that we don’t notice at first sight.

Being told beautiful ultimately makes us feel better about ourselves. It’s psychology, more of the looking-glass self by Cooley. The concept of self develops through social interaction wherein we base our self-perceptions on what other people would say about us. It is a reflection of how we are regarded and responded to by others. We internalize the labels called upon us to define ourselves in relation to those around us. So while others are filling you with compliments of how beautiful you are, and of how good and blessed, your heart swells on the inside.

Maybe it’s different for each person but as for me, I’ve always appreciated feel-good comments in such a way that I take it in without letting it get to my head. I was dumbfounded at first. Unknowingly, what I did got noticed. At first, it was nice. I was the typical high achiever high school student: running to and fro, attending to my academics while handling project proposals and making sure nothing’s out of place.  If getting good grades and being a student leader then didn’t boost my self-confidence enough, being the girl they all stopped to look at was what did the trick. It was too surreal. Famous maybe, since school was small. The lime light was nice when you’re not used to it. I was the girl boys would hit up on yahoo messenger every night. The one who gets texts from unknown numbers, the one who’s worth millions on friends for sale on Facebook or the one who gets the friend requests from upper class men. The one they’d talk about in their group or the unsettled issue in the “bro code.” They say i’m the “real deal,” the “ideal girl,” the “wife material,” the one they’d “proudly bring home to meet their folks”and if that didn’t boost my confidence even more, i don’t know what did.

But after a while, standing on that pedestal became all too tiring. Maybe I simply grew up or the world has become harder than usual but i have aged a little in years and experience and from where I’m looking in, it’s inherently not about how good or beautiful they think you are. At the end of the day, it’s not about other people liking the way you look, the way you speak, the way you think and the way you view life. It will not be about those who complimented you or those who talk about you in a positive way. Now that i’m in college, i’ve become more keen on the things that really matter. I’ve resorted to just being the regular student everyone is, the casual girl, and the friendly one who can get along with most people.

At the end of it all, it’s not who saw what you’ve been showing. It’s not the people who noticed what they should really notice but it’s more of those who stays even when everything has been said and done. It’s about the people who will never leave your side when things start to look glum. That guy who likes you for the way you look, he doesn’t care about how you feel.

I don’t wanna be most people’s crush anymore. I’ve grown indifferent and nonchalant about such things. Right now, I don’t even care if most people would opt for me, or if they think i’m better than someone else or whatever. What I care about now are those people whose numbers are on my phone contacts. What i value most at the moment are those i can text at any time of the day and i know that they’d reply in a heart beat. I don’t need compliments to make me feel good about myself because although the mirror emphasizes on my slightly plump torso and huge thighs, the pimple marks left on my face from stressful days and sleepless nights, the bags growing under my eyes and the huge bones i’ve got, i simply don’t care anymore.

You’ll realize that the compliments doesn’t really amount to anything at all because all you’ll ever need is someone to call home. It’s not enough that people only just look at you. I’m done being the little miss ideal. Done being looked up to and having all the nonessential things shallow people crave for. I’m done with the attention, the rumors and the bitches. I’m done with eating dinners on my own, grabbing breakfast to-go and half-heartedly getting by everyday. I just want a quiet peaceful relationship without anyone being on the look out to grab a chance to make the other unfaithful. I want to be with someone who didn’t notice my skin, my eyes, my smile, my accent or that i have money (which means they wouldn’t have to pay for me when we go out). I don’t expect anyone to fall at first sight but I want someone who will do when he has seen the real me: the stressed side when things are not going according to plan, the loss of locomotion when i’m drunk, the slurred words when i’m on the verge of breaking down, the tears when i’m broken, the nervousness before I speak, the hesitation before I do extra-curricular activities and the impending self-doubt settled deep within my heart for all eternity. I want someone who’s gonna notice my mood change, the one who notices the shift of my emotions through my eyes or the tone of my voice. The one who’ll see through my casual attitude and my neutral reactions. The one who knows that although I may be hard,  it just takes patience, perseverance and determination to be with me.

Essentially, we will find out that the things people need to be loved for are those that we don’t notice at first sight. It’s more than their mannerisms, the words they say or the ideas they speak. In learning to love people, we see more than their skin, more than the pimple marks left by impatience, the unruly hair when they’re running late or the unkempt clothes when they don’t feel like dressing up at all. It’s more than looking good and being complimented for the superficial things. Something as beautiful and true as love is beyond compare and no words can ever make up for the entirety of it. The way we smile and the way we laugh may eventually change, our thoughts are always subjected to new principles and eventually, although it will hurt, we will always know deep inside that it should not always be about how we look but that’s what still matters to most anyway.

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