I am nowhere near showy, flirty or motive-bombarded kinda girl. I act depending on how you do but i’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of love or falling in love for that matter. It always seemed so alien to me.. so foreign. And although people claim it as everywhere, I just cannot disagree more. I have no idea. Zip, clueless. Nada.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I couldn’t even begin to count the amazing days I have spent with you. I couldn’t remember every single instance you made me smile, every moment you made worth while and every joke you cracked that made me laugh. I’m a little awful in remembering. It’s not that I don’t give importance to the memories, just that my mind has a weird sense of selectivity. If there was one thing I will never forget though, it’s the feeling every time I see you. The fluttering butterflies whenever you walk towards me, the anticipation every time I wait for you to come to me, and the look on your face when our eyes lock.
3 years on each other is the longest time I could possibly imagine. I used to see you as the too good to be true kinda type. You were perfect in such a way that I loved you just the way you are.
And maybe that was where I was wrong. I was wrong in choosing to love the person who you were trying to be. I should have dug deeper. But in my defense, that was the picture you showed me. I never even asked you to change. I never asked you to be the good boy with a good heart you were not. I always told you that you didn’t have to change a thing even if you had always subliminally asked me to change to fit the perfect dream girl you imagined me to be. So maybe I didn’t bother to look beneath the entire act. But whose fault is it really?
One thing I learned from you: you can try to change people but they’ll eventually go back to who they were and who they finally become is who they REALLY are.
If I had to wait, it was not because I saw you as insufficient. You have to understand.. I just had to be sure that what we have (had rather) was real. And maybe it’s gonna take me forever to figure out what I really want but I never seemed pressured to act on anything right away. For one, I was contented. Second, I didn’t think labels made a relationship any more exclusive than the true commitment of those involved ever did. Third, we were young. We had forever to figure it out. Fourth, I’m not too emotionally invested in love to even bother. Fifth, I just wasn’t ready. And sixth, I can practically live with us just being “something” for the rest of our lives. I’m sorry if I didn’t realize earlier the importance this modern society has put on labels that even love is not exempted.
So here’s to you. What we had was real. You know as much as I do that it was the only truth you’ve ever known. But that doesn’t make it any less end-able. And as real as it may have seemed, it was a relationship like any other. Maybe the time when your love for me was at its height didn’t meet the part when my love for you was. So after all the years and efforts, it all boils down to incompatibility and I had to walk away before we wasted any more time.
Love will never be enough and it’s stupid to think otherwise. But thank you. Thank you for opening my mind and heart to love. I know better now.